After joining Lauren, Matt and Marce, Sunday, at a Save Darfur rally, I thought a review of my Invisible Children experience might be appropriate:

April 29, 2006 – Saturday – Global Night Commute for the Invisible Children of Northern Uganda – Pioneer Courthouse Square, Portland, Oregon

Nine hundred people were signed up for this event the other day.  When Jeremy and I went online today, before leaving Salem, there were over 1300 registered.  Go God!  I feared people would drop out as we learned of possible rain.  As I sit here on my sleeping bag on the second mini-amphitheatre ledge below the Starbucks, and look east into the sky, I notice you blew the rain clouds briskly over the city without a drop falling.  The sky is now completely clear.  No doubt, quite a few of us were praying!

Great work – thank you so much!  And thank you for sending Jeremy to join me – I feel so much freer and relaxed than if I’d come alone.  And thank you for the stream of cars on the inside lane of Interstate 5 with “Invisible Children” messages painted on their rear windshields.  What encouragement!  Why didn’t I think of that (old age!)?  Thank you for the young women, backpacks harnessed and sleeping bags dangling, that we encountered at the park-and-ride, and whom we followed on the MAX train, here.  And especially, thank you for the young man behind me who played his guitar and sang a string of worship songs to help us feel at home. 

I am amazed at the number of young families who arrived with strollers and toddling children in tow.  Right now, there are eleven children aged twelve months to ten years sitting within fifteen feet of me.  Brave, bold parents!  This is the ultimate team-building activity for their family to look back on together – laying aside comfort, convenience and safety (not to mention Saturday night TV) to bless the lives of children they’ve never met – halfway across the globe – who may never know who they are, or what they’ve done.

Father, not everyone here knows you – but clearly a great many do.  I ask you would protect this assemblage from the wiles of the enemy.  I pray you would be glorified in this place, this weekend.  I pray there would be no incidents that would bring shame upon your name – that the media and the city would only have grateful and supportive comments to make.  I pray these gatherings around the world would begin to give people a new picture of what living Jesus’ life in these bodies is all about.  Use this event to call people to want to know this God of love and compassion and sacrifice, personally.

I made a quick call to Nate and Lauren, expecting them to be in the thick of the commotion in Dallas (Texas).  With the time difference, it would have been 10:30 pm, there.  I got two surprises.  They were not in Dallas – they were in Houston, as Nate had been asked to do the filming at the Houston site.  He was climbing up to get a rooftop shot when I called.  Thank you for giving him the opportunity to experience the convergence of all his passions in this one event:  needy children, third-world countries and film.

I can’t remember his name.  Was it “Gregory?”  This gentleman was about fifty years old, with wiry, short-cut black hair lightly sprinkled with gray, and darkened, leathery skin weathered from many days of homelessness.  He was aggressively nice and chatty, like someone who’s a seasoned hand at deftly manufacturing flowery tales as the opportunities present themselves – a true con man.

“This event by Christian people has caused me to give my heart back to God.  This is just amazing,” he exclaimed.

I wasn’t sure if he meant it, or if after countless nights of hearing the Christian lingo at the rescue missions, he knew what to say to work his way into our hearts.  Regardless of his authenticity (or lack of), he did a remarkable job of behaving like Jesus.  Even before he met me and Jeremy, he had made the acquaintance of Kristen, who had come alone, intentionally, armed with a greater knowledge of the issue, having seen the Invisible Children film on her college campus.

She also came completely unprepared – albeit knowingly unprepared.  Gregory had already offered her the use of his sleeping bag.  He spent the night cocooned in his quilted bedspread.

Gregory entertained us with his entrepreneurial dreams.  He explained his plan to rent out bicycles on Waterfront Park to families, couples, adventurers – he just needed about $15,000 in capital.  I, of course, am the last person on earth to hit up for money, having far more debt than assets.  But it wasn’t difficult for me to manage a few encouraging words, “What a great idea!  That is a wonderful spot for cycling.”

”Father, I pray that Gregory feels like a valued human being as he spends time with us, tonight.  I ask that warm memories of tonight would encourage him for many days.  And I pray that he truly would give his life back to you – permanently, no strings attached.

I finally made an effort to turn my focus from Gregory’s stories, leaving Kirsten and Jeremy to respond, so that I could finish my letters to the President and Senator Smith.  I believe Ronald Reagan was the last President I wrote.  I can’t imagine what I thought I needed to say to him.  I still have his office’s reply in a box, somewhere.  I don’t suppose I’ll get a reply to this one.  If all 57,000 people registered for the Global Night Commute write letters, I suspect mine will get lost in the shuffle…

I just realized why we use the terms “syrupy,” “sappy.” “sugary” or “saccharine” to describe negative experiences unrelated to food.

I found myself cringing the other day, while listening to a superb male vocalist sing a meaningful Christian song on the radio.  Pretty extreme reaction to a non-event.  But it felt phoney.  Even though he was singing a truthful message I’m sure he believed, it sounded artificial and insipid.  At the time, I thought perhaps the lovely orchestral background was too flowing, too smooth.  Or perhaps it was his clearly high level of technical vocal training that I resisted..

But now, as I listen to another male vocalist sing a different Christian song (also with orchestral backup), I note I am not having the same knee-jerk reaction.  Now, I realize what is at issue.  When everything is flawless – the vocals, the full orchestration, the message of hopeful truth – when there is no tang, no saltiness, no piquant, no acidity or sand paper anywhere –  all conspires together to produce an alkaline experience.

Sugar and corn syrup have little flavor or benefit in themselves, yet they can overwhelm the system.  I don’t know of anyone who eats either of them alone.  In fact, eating them without a balance of fats and proteins will eventually make you grossly ill.  Embellishments such as passion fruit, lime, strawberry, peach, banana and Marion berry, or vanilla, maple, butter, cream, pecan, chocolate, coconut, hazelnut and coffee make them much more palatable, not to mention downright enjoyable.  They need balance, interest. They need added flavor and body. 

And that’s what that initial song needed – some flavor, body, balance and interest.  There was nothing in the experience to offer a counterbalance to the good of it – to add an edge against which the good could contrast.

For those who are looking for an artificial reality, such music would be acceptable, comfortable.  For the rest of us… maybe that’s why I like John Hiatt, now.

Thank you I am slowly retreating from that “artificial reality” category.  For once, it was all about projecting what was supposed to be, rather than what was – about pretending this is already Heaven.  Thank you for freeing me from my denial.  Thank you for revealing to me the value in contrasting your good against the backdrop of our evil, imperfect world – it provides a more efficacious display of your glory…

I have been reading Daniel Tammet’s blog critique of an interview of Richard Dawkins, author of The God Delusion.  Actually, I’ve been reading the comments to his blog.

Tammet is a functioning autistic savant in the UK who claims to be a Christian.  The people who have written in response to his review appear very intelligent and throw around words like “logic,” “science,” “chain of reasoning” and “rationality.”  They stir everyone who claims faith in anything into one deep, amalgamous cauldron of foolishness, making us out as followers of charismatic silliness – uncritical minds, incapable of systematic reason and study, and indifferent to research and analysis.  One respondent spouted on with simple questions that would have all been answered by anyone who had actually read through the Bible a single time – even if they didn’t believe it’s message.

But you know, the reason the world can’t understand the gospel – the reason it seems foolishness[i], is because its core is relationship, not manageable information.  God has used several relational similes in his attempts to give us an understanding of what the “him and us” thing is all about:  Father and child, Mother and child, Husband and wife, Bridegroom and bride, Friend to friend, Master and servant.

And relationships are sticky things when it comes to explaining them to others.  We got a random telephone call a number of years ago announcing that my cousin had recently married my second cousin.  They still struggle with peoples’ opinions about that.

Who can explain the absolutely irrational emotional commitment a co-dependent has to an addict?  Even when they have learned the “truth” of their situation and the fact that their pulling in closer – enmeshment – is part of the problem, they can’t let go without people around them coaching them to pull off the emotional suction cups. 

Someone who’s been the victim in an abusive marriage can tell you they struggled with thinking they were the problem.  Any onlooker could tell them they were confused.  But for them, it doesn’t feel that way in the moment.

The forces at play in relationships are other-worldly.  They are confusing.  They are frequently irrational.  They are passionate rather than academic.  Or if they are academic, the relationship appears pretty turgid and boring.

If you tried to argue the gospel or faith on the basis of relationship, people would discount you as unwilling to debate.  They DEMAND that people of faith discuss according to scientific principles.  Do they discuss their relationships in that way?

We do in college psychology classes, and even, somewhat on Dr. Phil or Oprah.  But its not an exclusively scientific discussion.  And it never will be.  There are emotions involved.  We become protective against other people’s scrutiny.  We believe our situation unique – an exception to the general principles of psychology. 

If you look back at the stories of Adam and Job and Noah and Abraham, Isaac, Jacob, Joseph, Moses, Samuel, David, Daniel and Hosea, the essence of the good news – the original, before-the-canon-was-complete gospel of knowing God –was all about relationship and not doctrinal data.  And each of those relationships had very different appearances.  How can you explain that to someone who’s a stranger to you, both?

[i] I Corinthians 2:14

I still haven’t read Henry Blackaby’s Knowing God, but my son, Tim, led a youth Bible study with the book a few years back, before college.  One key concept that lingered from the study was, “Find where God is working and join him.”

You can see how believers have begun to live out that idea, globally.  Christians have taken up the gauntlet for Aids victims and their orphans, tsunami and hurricane survivors, third-world coffee farmers, imprisoned pastors in China, oppressed women in the Islamic world, child soldiers in Uganda and Darfur and sexual trafficking in Asia.  In America, we have caught the vision of freeing addicts, encouraging the grieving – and even housing the homeless.

This morning I was reminded of the open door God has placed among some of our neediest and most vulnerable, here at home.  A radio news flash reported Texas is considering several foster care bills during this legislative session.  After listing a few of the issues to be addressed, the commentator concluded by measuring the severity of the crisis (too few foster parents) by the fact that the Texas Department of Child Protective Services was even housing foster children in hotels.

In 2006, while living in Oregon, I took the six-week training to become a foster parent.  I considered it a necessary part of my self-imposed training regimen to work with at-risk youth.  Oregon was also experiencing the crunch of lack of qualified providers of care – particularly due to severe methamphetamine use by parents in that state.

I was excited and encouraged to see God raise up the Christian community to step in the gap of providing foster care in Salem.  Along with others, a Christian businessman and community leader spearheaded a directed call to churches to ask their parishioners to consider this ministry.  He saw where God was working, and chose to join him.

How many times have we complained that our government is closing its doors on faith?  Any yet, here is a huge, open door.  It’s open so wide, churches are starting support ministries for providers of foster care.  There is a felt need, and the government is unable to meet it.  They are desperate.  And how much more is someone appreciated when they meet a felt need without expectations or demands?

Who is more qualified to meet this need than people who understand God’s unconditional love, grace and mercy?  But we can’t afford to approach this opportunity wearing rose-colored glasses.  It will not only be an opportunity to graciously permeate our communities with the love of God, but an opportunity for him to deepen us – to build within us a more complete understanding of that unconditional love he extends to all.

God, I ask you to raise up people who love you to embrace these children in your name – freely and without an agenda – that you might free them from the oppression and bondage of their fears and pain and give them Jesus.

I’ve encountered a news article in Le Monde that highlights a new partnership between the United States Holocaust Memorial Museum and Google Earth (http://www.ushmm.org/googleearth/) called the Genocide Prevention Mapping Initiative.  It is an attempt to expose the horrors of genocide in real time in order to shame and hold accountable perpetrators and prevent death.  A very innovative and compelling idea – it is easier to construct evil when no one is looking.

I wonder how this new partnership, even this new idea will be expanded?  Over what other shoulders will we be allowed to peek?  I don’t wish to resist the ability to hold criminals accountable, but I am reminded of the “big brother” mentality showcased in futuristic novels and movies.  And I think of biblical prophecy and imagine the two witnesses in Jerusalem being watched by the world in this manner, and wonder how the pouring out of the seven bowls of wrath might be tracked…

What a conundrum.  So many “advances” on this world stage bring both benefit and harm.  And we don’t have the wisdom and foresight to plan for them, apart from your intervention on our behalf.  And so I ask for that intervention…

“The more full of promise a life is, the more apt it is to evoke uncomfortable response in others.”[i]   The author of this statement is discussing the damage jealousy and envy bring to community.  I can attest to that.  When I encounter giftedness, I immediately begin looking for flaws so I can more easily dismiss the giftedness as ordinariness, thus elevating my view of myself and leveling the playing field. But then, I can’t allow myself to be gifted, either.  I belittle or hide any talents I have, too.  If I don’t do it myself, someone else might do it for me, and I want to beat them to the punch.

I want to be able to not only let others be gifted, but support and encourage their gifts – and my own, in the process.  The question is, how?  What does that process look like?  I can imagine external behaviors that support and encourage.  But how does soul change take place?  How do I convince my heart to be more supportive and encouraging at first take?  How do I come to a place where my auto-response is immediately positive – without the preliminary struggle with jealousy?  Is it all about not seeing others as a threat?  About being secure in and content with the purpose for which God has designed me?  So much so, that I can enjoy others living out their design? 

Although the context has a different slant, I am reminded of Paul’s words, “Shall the thing formed say to him that formed it, Why hast thou made me thus?  Hath not the potter power over the clay, of the same lump to make one vessel unto honor, and another unto dishonor?”[ii]  Paul also talks about Pharaoh having purpose: “Even for this same purpose have I raised thee up, that I might show my power in thee, and that my name might be declared throughout all the earth.”[iii]  And of course, he also states, “We are his workmanship, created in Christ Jesus unto good works….”[iv]

I feel sorry for people who think we are all accidents of nature.  It means none of us have any intentional design, and consequently neither do we have any purpose other than that for which we mold ourselves.  And it would seem the result of “natural selection” and “survival of the fittest” would be that jealousy and envy would be a necessary part of our survival.  Isn’t it interesting that God’s methods are exactly opposite the approaches to which we naturally default?

Maybe if I got a better vision of you, and the fact that I am here for you, and others are here for you – rather than the other way around – it would free me to allow us all to fully be all you have designed us to be – without envy or jealousy.

“Thou art worthy, O Lord, to receive glory and honor and power:  for thou hast created all things, and for thy pleasure they are and were created.”[v]

[i] Eighth Day of Creation, Elizabeth O’Connor, Potters House Book Service, 1971, p.34

[ii] Romans 9:20-21

[iii] Romans 9:17

[iv] Ephesians 2:10

[v] Revelation 4:11

I became exasperated recently while reading reviews on Amazon.com of the book Hidden in Plain Sight:  The Secret of More by Mark Buchanan.  A reviewer reported the author erred in stating Peter cut off the ear of a soldier in the Garden of Gethsemane “when everybody knows” it was not a soldier, but a servant of the high priest.  He concluded he could never trust the author’s work because of such a blatant error.  This, as opposed to seeing the incident within the entire body of the author’s work.

But this is me.  If I were reviewing an untried author – one new to me – I might be concerned or a little more cautious in my reading of his work until he proved himself a qualified teacher.  Yet I am also fearful I will inadvertently author something erroneous.  And how can I not?  I’m only human.  Only partially trained in truth.  Only capable of finite understanding of an infinite God and his ways.

Studying in context used to be my mantra, and that of the religious groups in which I participated.  I still demand the big picture when someone is explaining something to me.  Yet I take isolated incidents and actions/non-actions and formulate harsh observations and construct rigid principles rather than placing each within the context of all I know of God’s character and purpose.  Sometimes I fail to make determinations and decisions based on that bigger picture.

For example, I was recently listening to a friend play the pop ballad, I Can’t Make You Love Me, on the piano.  One phrase in the song rang false to me:  “You can’t make your heart feel something it won’t.”  I felt it misrepresented possibility in a God-ordered world.  I started recalling all the testimonies of estranged couples who had successfully asked God to restore their marriages and their shattered love for each other. Of course, the purpose of the song’s lyrics was not to speak the truth of possibility, but the truth of honest feelings – regardless of possibilities.

How do I extend and receive grace in this area of communicating thoughts, while not compromising truth?  And can you please help me be consistent, across the board with seeing life holistically rather than drowning in minutiae?

I signed up for Dallas and Chicago emails from DailyCandy, recently.  Today’s Dallas version showcased a new-fangled shopping mall called Lifestyle Fashion Terminal (LFT).  Of course it’s not for the economically challenged, garage-sale-thrift-store addict, like me.  But I find it’s core philosophies quite interesting.

As I read, I started comparing what they want to accomplish in their retail fashion cosmos with what we are trying to do at Coffee Ambassadors and the thoughts I have for The Aylward Community.  They mentioned ideas such as building community and relationship, being partners rather than users, being “a relentless catalyst for change” and selling “only brands that have real people behind them.”

On that last point, I suspect they hold to a slightly different shade of meaning than Coffee Ambassadors seeks to promote.  I don’t think they are trying to partner designers with individual purchasers, as we hope to partner churches with farmers.  But it’s exciting to see them breaking ground for people to step outside their purchasing paradigms.

Maybe the LFT will eventually benefit third world coffee farmers too, if we all learn to shop with the concepts of community, relationship, partnership, change and people in mind.

God, I’m a little slow on this one.  My priority in purchasing is always “economic bottom line.”  Can you help me alter my paradigm – my thinking and values in this area of my life – even if my financial picture doesn’t change?

After Moses’ death and Joshua’s assumption of leadership of the Hebrew people to claim the promised land, Joshua encountered the “man” with the sword, as he first approached the city of Jericho.  He asked the man, “I am at your command.  What do you want your servant to do?”[i]

To his surprise, he was told to take off his sandals in worship.  His whole purpose in being there was to conquer the city in what would be the first of many maneuvers to take the land for the people of God.  I imagine him spending sleepless nights pacing, consulting his subordinates and strategizing, contemplating how to ready his men for the attack.  These men who were untried warriors.  These men who had spent forty years twiddling their thumbs in the wilderness.  Well, maybe not twiddling their thumbs.  They were probably designing armor, and forging weapons, and running mock war campaigns.

In the midst of my compulsive doing – my frenetic preparation, am I willing to set aside my solution long enough to stop and worship you, and your capability – a competence more than sufficient apart from me? 

Joshua had no need for extensive preparation, as you intended to battle for them.  How often have I wasted time frantically searching the internet for information, or running from store to store for an item, and calling or emailing contacts in an attempt to solve my problem, fight my battle in my own strength – only to have you nullify all my work and configure a solution in a completely different way?

Will I ever quit striving ahead of, apart from you?  Please remind me – frequently – to take off my sandals.

[i] Joshua 5:14

“…Taking this sinful world as it is, not as I would have it.”  That’s part of one of the twelve steps in Celebrate Recovery.  In the context of addictive behaviors, I would say, yes, that’s essential.  Being honest about the darkness and failings and incompleteness of our reality rather than pretending everything is acceptable and good.

But I need to be clear not to confuse honesty regarding my surroundings with contentment.  And I’m not talking about contentment with the lot God has given me in life, but holding out against satisfaction with this lesser, broken world instead of continuing to yearn for my glorious, heavenly home.

May I never quit asking, “Please come soon, Lord Jesus.”

Am I confused, or what?  This morning before going to bed at 1:00 am, I listed on an American flight to Dallas leaving this afternoon.  Now, I am having this quiet unrest in my soul.  Are we just working on, refining, my ability to hear your voice?

I’ve noticed this feeling quite frequently lately, and discounted it as laziness, or lack of motivation, or fear of moving on.  And so I would take forward steps in spite of it.  And each time, the step proved unnecessary.  Like you were whispering direction to me, and I discounted it – decided what I was hearing was something else – something deficient in my own soul.

Last Monday, it was about driving downtown to submit my resume to United Airlines.  And because I thought, “real adults apply for real jobs, rather than sitting around,” I went anyway.  And of course the “rest of the story” is that the office wasn’t even there, and I unnecessarily spent $13 for 40 minutes of parking and $1.47 on a strange red imported carbonated beverage so I would feel like a customer that could use the restroom.

Are you fine tuning my ear?  Or is this about something else?

Yes, I know that’s not a word. 

I’m going to have to quit researching the internet.  I was searching for some succinct information on the Scientific Method and discovered the following comments on a professor, Dr. Donald Simanek’s web page, which I feel compelled to discuss.  I should include this disclaimer that Dr. Simanek has some interesting information on his site, and we are all human, with our own understanding and opinions (which he discusses in his treatise on logic).

“Creationism arose from clearly religious motivations. For political reasons, its advocates found they could “sell” it better to non-fundamentalists if they downplayed the religious content and renamed it “creation-science”. But its essential content and goals were the same….Scientists recognize that the so-called ID [Intelligent Design] “theory” is not a valid scientific theory at all, and that its claims of supportive evidence from nature are contrived and easily shown to be invalid. But scientists now also realize they must not ignore this threat to scientific integrity, for it is part of an organized campaign with social and political goals and widespread grass roots support.”^[i]

A few ideas presented here intrigue me.

What is all this “social and political goals” stuff?  Is that what we get when we are outspoken – we’re called “political?”  We have orchestrated agendas?  I’m sure a few people who claim to be followers of Jesus have agendas.  But it’s not a big conspiracy for all of us.

And how can you say “creationism arose from clearly religious motivations” when creationism predates other theories and was held by most people, including scientists, for centuries and in countless cultures, until Darwin wrote Origin of Species?  And because those cultures have yet to read Darwin’s book, they still hold to a creation story.

I am also concerned that we who believe the Bible are seen as marketers selling an advertising scheme when we seek to tell or teach our ideas to anyone.  Are those telling or teaching other ideas considered marketers?  Marketing is basically carrying out an advertising agenda for the purpose of profit.  Although I hope to receive some of those crowns Jesus so clearly wants to give away, I don’t anticipate any other personal profit from telling or teaching what I believe to be truth.

And I’m not interested in manipulating anyone to hold my view.  There is no room for manipulation in the context of people’s interactions with God.  It’s not like he needs such efforts on his behalf.  The “almighty” in “Almighty God” is a little more powerful and infinite than that.

Dr. Simanek needs to qualify his “Scientists realize,” statement, as not only are the primary proponents of ID, scientists, but realization would require definitive truth as opposed to theory, which is what all ideologies, including Evolution, are – theory.  Perhaps he could say, “Some scientists believe.”

The statement, “claims of supportive evidence from nature are contrived,” could easily be restated by those who find various fossil evidence used by Evolutionists absurd.

I would like to note that I don’t have a strong opinion on ID.  I used to be adamant about such things.  But the more I know of God, the less concerned I am about some of those details.

God doesn’t need my permission to have used any particular method to bring reality into being.  The God I know is BIG enough to have wriggled his metaphorical nose like Samantha on “Bewitched” and – instantaneously, all of what now exists would have appeared – fully-aged.  He is also creative and interested and loving enough that he could have taken great care and enjoyment in fashioning the minutest details to perfection.  And I don’t mention how much time that might have taken because there was no time, no people around to keep track of it, and how much he wanted to use entertaining himself with a new hobby, is his business.

It is regretful that we use these issues to badger one another.  And it grieves me that Dr. Simanek has been maligned by some of us who believe we have to defend God, to the alienation of those we address.  Clearly, I think it appropriate to speak up – but not to harangue.

Thank you we no longer live in an age of persecution for those deemed heretics, or Dr. Simanek and I might both be in trouble – dependent upon the leanings of the oligarchy.

[i] http://www.lhup.edu/~DSIMANEK/philosop/creation.htm

“You did not hold back.”  That’s what Ben prayed in his opening prayer in church, this morning.  And he elaborated by delineating many of the instances in which you did not hold back in giving to us – in showing your love for us. 

“You did not hold back.”  With anything.  So how does that reflect on my response?   I hold back.  I hold back when you ask me to do things outside my comfort zone that cause my heart to pound and my throat to constrict – like make phone calls, or ask people for help (any kind of help).  When I say it out loud, or write it here, it sounds infinitely more ridiculous than when I just think or feel it.  And yet speaking it or writing this (confessing)doesn’t completely break my bondage. 

But in comparing such fears to your complete giving, I am more humbled, more embarrassed, more desirous of not holding back.  I am reminded of Paul’s comment, “the kindness of God leads us to repentance.”[i]  And yet Holding Back seems to have a stranglehold on me. 

In light of this, I slowly realize your Bridegroom love beyond extraordinary, and my Bride love, weak and shallow, trodden underfoot by Focus On My Self Interest.  And John says, “As we live in God, our love grows more perfect.”[ii]

I’ll have to claim that truth by faith, today, because there is nothing in my heart that reveals it to be true for me right now.  I need you to break the chains of “Holding Back” in my life.  Please.

[i] Romans 2:4

[ii] I John 4:17

Yesterday we fasted and prayed for Richard, a 32-year-old husband and father of one at Winnetka Bible Church who has been struggling with liver and colon cancer for about two years, now.  This morning at 8:00, the church was meeting for a potluck breakfast and further prayer for the family.  They will be meeting with the doctor on Monday for a revised prognosis.

This morning I was perusing the Winter ’07 issue of MoodyAlumni, the magazine for former Moody Bible Institute and grad school students.  There are always the compulsory sections with news – ministry updates, marriages, births – and deaths.  I noticed a 36-year-old pilot, husband and father of three, died in a plane crash in Louisiana.  And Todd, a 25-year-old musician and servant to the homeless in San Francisco also died of unmentioned causes recently.

I decided to review the video Nate’s friends made for his Texas memorial service while I remained home from the breakfast with a cold-stricken grandson.  Now into the fourth month since, I am starting to cry more.  I say “more.”  I don’t think I cried at all the first month.  Maybe it was shock.  Maybe I’m so practiced at denying myself feelings, I didn’t know how.  I’ve been recovering about seventeen years, now, but I haven’t made much progress in the realm of passion or grief.

I think I need to learn to dance…

I miss you, Nathan.

At 17 months, my grandson Levi just shut himself inside the bedroom closet.  He remains a prisoner unless Mandi, his mom, chooses to rescue him.

He knows not to do this.  There are rules and consequences, and he is familiar with them.  This is not the first time he has suffered from the experience of vanishing into the pitch black bedroom closet.

Think about how often we do this spiritually.  God has made the ground rules clear.  He has developed them knowing what is not in our best interests and what will prove detrimental to our souls.  He knows, first hand, that our souls were not made for imprisonment in small, dark spaces we sometimes choose.

We, too, are familiar with the challenges that will constrict our lives if we choose to act against the wisdom God has given.  We know we will be confined in a limiting space that will quickly become dissatisfying and even claustrophobic.  We know there is no escape but from the hand of the Rule Maker.

Will we cry out – even though we’ve done this before?  In desperation, will we call for release from our self-made prison?