holding back
March 8, 2007
“You did not hold back.” That’s what Ben prayed in his opening prayer in church, this morning. And he elaborated by delineating many of the instances in which you did not hold back in giving to us – in showing your love for us.
“You did not hold back.” With anything. So how does that reflect on my response? I hold back. I hold back when you ask me to do things outside my comfort zone that cause my heart to pound and my throat to constrict – like make phone calls, or ask people for help (any kind of help). When I say it out loud, or write it here, it sounds infinitely more ridiculous than when I just think or feel it. And yet speaking it or writing this (confessing)doesn’t completely break my bondage.
But in comparing such fears to your complete giving, I am more humbled, more embarrassed, more desirous of not holding back. I am reminded of Paul’s comment, “the kindness of God leads us to repentance.”[i] And yet Holding Back seems to have a stranglehold on me.
In light of this, I slowly realize your Bridegroom love beyond extraordinary, and my Bride love, weak and shallow, trodden underfoot by Focus On My Self Interest. And John says, “As we live in God, our love grows more perfect.”[ii]
I’ll have to claim that truth by faith, today, because there is nothing in my heart that reveals it to be true for me right now. I need you to break the chains of “Holding Back” in my life. Please.
[i] Romans 2:4
[ii] I John 4:17
